Still Here…

Hindsight is not 20/20. Things happen, you make decisions, they have consequences. When you look back at some of those decisions, you can’t definitively say that you would choose differently if you could go back. Some of the decisions I have taken were just me doing what I thought was best in the moment. This…

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Hi guys!

I haven’t written in a while. I have no excuse, and honestly I’m tired of making it a habit of promising to be consistent, trying to honour my promise and then failing. So here’s what I’ll do: I’ll keep trying, because I don’t see another way. Hopefully someday I get it right, whatever that means.

I’m going to go straight to the point here. I just felt really strongly to put out an excerpt from my journal. I hope it helps and blesses someone. Its going to be an unedited version for the most part, so it might sound poorly written, but I hope the message gets passed across.

Here goes…

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I’ve been asking God for money… because I’m BROKE. I haven’t seen money or provision to pay the huge debt I owe. I was reading (my) devotional this morning and it dawned on me… When I used to say, “if God tells me to walk on water, I will, because I trust Him”,  some part of me was thinking (that) He would literally ask me to do something grand and senseless, and then make it look super cool. But… no. Instead, I think what He’s requiring of me is trust, that even in the midst of great debt, I’m where He wants me to be. These are my waters and maybe I’m walking on them? Maybe the steps are eating meals when I don’t know how that bill will be paid. Maybe its (keeping) the dream alive that one day I just might own my own properties…house, car… the likes. Maybe its looking forward to the day when that credit card statement reads Zero… $0. Maybe its hope… in the midst of the beatdown despair constantly gives me. Maybe its in my falling seven times and getting up for the eighth . Maybe this tumultuous process is the water I walk on: Because, yes, when there is life there is hope. But life has dealt me some hard blows, knocked hope out of my mouth several times: Yet, here I am… falling… standing… falling… standing again…

I’m not sure when this painful roller coaster will end and I can finally say I made it through. But I, in this waking moment of mine, as I lift my head one more time in a desperate attempt to get back up again, will trust that God is with me now and waiting on the other side of my pain.

 

❤️

‘Kinah

I just had a birthday this past week. For the longest time I’ve had the unspoken routine of self reflection and gratitude during my birthday. I thought about letting it go this year because I didn’t want to be cliché. After giving it some thought, some clichés are worth keeping. Birthdays happen every year. A cycle, a revolution of earth around the sun: enough time to observe new habits built and and habits that you desire to do away with.

One thing I noticed I had been doing towards the end of my past year in life was that I was trying to evolve, trying too hard maybe. I was so obsessed with getting better I wanted to change pretty much everything about myself all at once. The problem with doing this foolish thing is that I can lose myself in the process, and that’s a terrible thing when you look in the mirror and don’t know who is staring back at you.

I was pondering on my life after some events that have happened within the last week and without going into too much detail, I want to enlighten you on lessons I’m learning through my own life.

Lesson 1: It’s okay that you don’t have all the answers. The journey through life is partly about figuring it out.

Lesson 2: The fact that you don’t have all the answers is not reason enough to live life like you don’t care what the answers are. Stay inquisitive and maintain a learning posture. Life will pleasantly surprise you.

Lesson 3: Everybody has an opinion on love, but only know what makes you happy. Look for that and trust God in addition, to provide you with the love you need.

Lesson 4: Spend as much time as you possibly can with people you care about.

Lesson 5: Take calculated risks. A lot of them will pay off. The ones that don’t will teach you very valuable lessons. Remember, the risks should be calculated.

Lesson 7: Procrastination never works in your favour. Never!

Lesson 8: Don’t put yourself in awkward situations if you can help it. Trust me… unless of course you enjoy being in awkward situations.

Lesson 9: Stay committed to truth . The world is getting more confusing everyday. Seek truth.

Lesson 10: Don’t ever make the mistake of assuming that God is not involved in the affairs of your life. It doesn’t have to be obvious to you, but as much as you’re able, believe.

This is by no means exhaustive and things might change for me, for the better by God’s grace if they do. But here’s what I think are basic things we should know in life and principles we should more or less abide by.

I hope your week is fruitful and filled with evidences of God’s love

Always ❤️

´Kinah

Hi guys!

So something interestingly cool happened today and I want to share what I learned because I think its profound. I planned on publishing a different blogpost than this one today (I will upload the other one next week), but on my way walking to my dorm, I just got “hit” with this lesson. Before I proceed let me just stop and say again that God does speak, through our thoughts, through the things around us.

Anyways,

I was walking to my dorm room, thinking about the finishing touches I would put on the initial piece I intended to upload, and then it felt like deja vu. Let me rewind a little bit, There are several buses that go from anywhere around town to my campus. On campus though, there is one on-campus shuttle that stops directly in front of my dorm but it comes every 30 minutes. Walking to my dorm is 10-15 minutes max, but most times I take the bus because I feel lazy and its faster by bus and I don’t have to spend all those calories . The bus takes a longer, more unnecessary route though, but it gets there in 12 minutes, and I’m usually thinking “I can save those extra 3 minutes”.

What’s my point? I’m getting to it.

Just the other day, I arrived campus in the evening and I was within a 5 minute window for when the on-campus shuttle was going to be at the bus loop, but I decided to walk instead. I just felt like walking that day and I think I walked a little faster than usual. I arrived my dorm like 2 minutes before the bus came by and I remember thinking the moral of that story was that sometimes when you take the harder road, it costs you more, but you get to your destination faster, and you “beat” the other people who took the “easy” way out. But that’s not the lesson God wanted me to learn.

So a similar thing happened today. I spent the day with some friends and headed back to campus late in the evening. When I arrived, I was in a pretty good time window for getting the campus shuttle straight to the front of my dorm, but I decided to walk again. I had somehow been trying, in these past couple of weeks, to convince myself that walking is such great exercise for me, so I decided to walk home rather than take a longer route where I would just be sitting. I took my time walking this time, catching up on emails as I walked (don’t do that by the way. It’s wrong to be on your phone while walking and I should know better. apologies! 🙈)

As I got closer, I sensed that because of my pace I would probably arrive at the same time as the bus, if not a tad later. I didn’t seem to mind though. Sure enough, as I approached my dorm, I saw the bus drive past. It had gotten to my dorm like a minute before I did. But God spoke to me through that. I know some people get creeped out when they read or hear “God spoke to me”, because they imagine its this deep baritone voice calling out authoritatively from the sky in a dramatic manner. I’m not saying that couldn’t happen. I mean God is God, He can do that if He wants. I’m saying I haven’t been spoken to in that way, but in many instances I have experienced conversations in my heart where I could clearly distinguish God’s words from my own.

As I was saying, God spoke to me. I just started thinking back to my previous walk weeks earlier and how I had totally missed the point. Yes, I feel like I am taking a seemingly longer, more difficult route. Yes, my journey is costing and has cost me more than some people I started with. Yes, it is exhausting and is requiring effort from me and yes, I chose this path as opposed to other paths because I believe this is the path I should be on. But the goal is not to get to the destination before them and “show them”. The goal is to enjoy the journey, MY journey. The goal is to take in the journey, appreciate everything about it, see all that I am gaining, the calories that I am burning, how much fitter I’m getting, how much better I’m getting. I don’t know why some people get to take the bus in life while I get to walk. It doesn’t matter if the bus does arrive before I do when I walk. Its not about that. Its about the journey.

In summary let me quote on of my favourite songs by Miley Cyrus

There’s always gonna be another mountain

I’m always gonna wanna make it move

There’s always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there

It’s the climb…

It’s the climb you guys. Its the journey. I’m filled with so much awe and gratitude as I write this. I’m tired of comparing myself with others, regretting decisions I didn’t make well or hating on people I think are doing better than me. I am so thankful to God to even be on a journey. Its been an incredible journey so far. Yes! filled with pain, but Oh filled with so much joy and beauty and love. I’m incredible honoured and grateful to be alive and I just trust God for grace to enjoy this beautiful journey that He has placed me on, trusting as well that I will get to the destination He desires for me, in the time He desires for me. The journey and the destination are both incredibly beautiful and the attitude I should have is gratitude for both.

I hope I have shared some useful knowledge with you today.

Love always ❤️

‘Kinah

I had a very crappy weekend. I mean it was good, but I felt crappy. I hung out with some friends, which I always love, but I was also in a lot of pain. I had had a stressful week and whenever I expose myself to an undue amount of stress, I usually get migraines. The ones I had on Saturday and Sunday were pretty terrible. I was popping pills like an addict and they just didn’t seem to be working. I couldn’t get the wheels in my mind to take a break from their tumultuous spinning.

Whew! I suffered

Then, at Sunday dinner I had a conversation with this lady whom I learned something from. She saw how weak I looked and we briefly talked about trying teas to help ease the pain. The thing she taught me that caught my attention on a different spectrum that I would like to share today is what we talked about outside, in the courtyard.

She suggested I get out to get some fresh air since I had been in my room pretty much all day. I obliged because, at this point, I simply wanted to get better and I wouldn’t let my hermit ways get in the way of that. We sat in the courtyard surrounded by beautiful flowers (one of which is the image featured on this blogpost), we listened to sounds from the birds as they chirped away in activity, I felt the cool evening breeze caress my face and my mind drifted away from worrying about my world to basking in this beauty in this present moment.

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Something magical happened, I went back in time to when my family and I would take out mattresses outside and sleep under the moonlight. That pleasant and treasured childhood memory was reawakened and I felt joy and peace. My family is not the way it was that beautiful night, but it felt so good reliving a moment I can never get back again.

The lady then told me how sometimes getting away from stuff and being surrounded by nature can do that to you and shared some of her experiences with me as well.

Whenever  I write blogposts like this, they’re almost always short. I guess its because the best things in life are free and don’t need to be belaboured. The truth of the matter is that if you are like me and your mind cannot help but wander, don’t throw away the advice of being out in nature. There is something about nature that humbles you. It reminds you that the world does not revolve around you. Thinking that the world does revolve around you is one of the root causes of worry. You feel like it is your duty to solve all the problems that you have observed, and you feel frustrated when you discover how incompetent you are to handle all the problems life is throwing at you, directly or indirectly. I should know, I’ve been there.

Whenever I get lost in nature, it suddenly stops being about me and the wheels in my mind still turn, but they focus on something that rejuvenates them. You see, when I try hard to stop the wheels from turning, I make things worse. The wheels in my head are meant to turn all the time, they are just not meant to worry all the time. They are meant to be happy, to be relaxed, to recognize and be appreciative of the beauty I am constantly surrounded by.

I felt much better after that beautiful session of silence out in the midst of God’s creation. I really urge you, as much as you can, to get lost in God’s creation. It takes the pressure off you and its good for your heart, mind and even your body.

Give your mind a treat today will ya? 🙂

 

Love always,❤️

‘Kinah

The amount of tears and all the heartache cannot be summed up by words, cannot be articulated in ink or speech, can’t be properly explained on any level below emotion.

My heart aches.

Too many young people have died. In the past week alone I have read of way too many people dying, a lot of them are 20 years and under. I have been overwhelmed by a feeling of helplessness.  People with such a bright future ahead of them, such potential, just taken away without their permission.

Of all the deaths, a lot were brutal murders.

I don’t understand… how one person can decide that the life of another is his/hers to take.

I can’t imagine, how a loved one must feel saying goodbye one morning, not realizing it is for the last time on this side of eternity.

I am hurting.. and I know it is not nearly as painful for me as it is for the people who are first hand victims of these tragedies.

I am sorry. I feel helpless but I want to do something.

I am tired… tired of young people dying, tired of people getting killed by other people.

All over the world this is happening. Sometimes I am tempted to ask God why, sometimes I do ask Him why.

In the midst of this gross darkness I feel on this day, I am reminded of wise words that I heard at church.

God is gratuitously good, unbelievably generous and irrationally loving.

No matter what happens, if you believe in Jesus and His sacrifice for you and I, in love, we have to fight to believe this. In the midst of all the hopelessness, we have to choose to believe and to hope.

Even though we don’t know what tomorrow holds, and that could cause us to fear, we have to choose to trust in the One who knows tomorrow and holds tomorrow. We have to trust and believe and KNOW that His plans for us are ALWAYS good and that He is always PRESENT.

I have to believe, I choose to believe because my hope is built on nothing less, and I place my trust in no-one else.

Sending everyone who is hurting today my love, my prayers and my thoughts.

❤️

‘Kinah

Hi guys!!

How is your day going? I hope refreshing.

If you took my advice last week and basked in silence, how was it? I had the opportunity to get away for a little bit and it was great! Do not underestimate the beauty in rest and sabbath.

Now for today’s post! It’s Father’s Day! Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers: the would bes and the have beens.

I want to write about my perspective on how cool I think fathers are, and I don’t think we say it enough.

I had the beautiful honour and privilege to grow up with my father. I wish I could tell you that he was a perfect man, or the best in world, but I can’t. He wasn’t perfect, neither did he enter into a world best dad competition. I can tell you for sure though that he loved me the  very best way he knew how, he chose to love me and be there for me, and if I had to choose a father, it’d be him. He was the first man I knew, the first man I loved. I saw his strengths, his weaknesses, his highlights and his flaws. I saw his intention for me and it always made me feel so safe. On days he was perfect and on the days he wasn’t, I never questioned his love for me. He might not have intended to, and I might not have realized it then, but he made clearer to me some of the aspects of God’s love. Some not All, because like I said earlier, he wasn’t perfect.

I’m realizing and recognizing that nobody is perfect, even though I have heard it a plethora of times before. I used to unconsciously nurse a bitterness for men because of the evil I have seen some men bring upon the women in their lives. I remember sometimes asking myself “if he thought this lowly of her, why did he even marry her in the first place?” I believed the hateful rumour that all men are dogs and don’t have the capability to love women the way they should be loved. I was wrong.

By God’s grace, I began listening to the guys I knew. I began paying more attention to them as opposed to judging them without getting to know them. I discovered something. Yes, women have been historically oppressed, and yes, that is unacceptable. But we have slowly taken our eyes off the pressure that was put on men as a result of patriarchy. I began to see this unspoken weight that every man bears, the unrealistic expectations we have of them. They shouldn’t cry, they shouldn’t be tired, they shouldn’t complain, they shouldn’t get scared, they shouldn’t be uncertain… they shouldn’t be vulnerable.

Wow

Not all men are evil, which makes sense because not all women are good as well. So many women on Father’s Day shout out the women who stand in the place of a father, but there’s so much fewer, if any, for men on Mother’s Day. Of course the statistics lie in favour of children abandoned by their fathers, but you’d be surprised at the frequency of children abandoned by their mothers as well.. its comparable !

Maybe I should stop here for now. The point I am trying to make is that women shouldn’t be afraid to help men. Help the man(men) in your life. It doesn’t mean he is more important than you. It means he needs you.You know I think there should be an international men’s day too, not because I don’t think women have been historically treated unfairly, but because I don’t want our feminism decisions to stem from a place of bitterness. I want us to fight for our due recognition but not hate men in the process.

At the end of the day, we all precious in God’s eyes and we need each other to survive. So make sure you take time out to appreciate men today without drawing some of the attention to yourself. This day isn’t dedicated to you. You have yours 😉

Love always,

❤️ ‘Kinah