Memoirs: Painful Love

To my daddy, happy birthday….

It’s my dad’s birthday today (April 19). We never really made a big deal about it. I would usually send a text, call, or when I was little, wish him a happy birthday in the morning. Sometimes he even forgot it was his birthday. He worked hard for us. 

It’s my dad’s birthday today, and it’s the second one where I long for an opportunity to show him just how much he means to me. I just want to hear his voice again, say happy birthday and hear “Thank you my baby”, buy him gifts he probably doesn’t need and say countless times “I love you daddy”. But I can’t, because he’s not here anymore. 

I will never forget that dark morning, waking up at 3:00am and at 3:30am staring into the blank space that my life just suddenly became. Something in me died when I heard “we lost him”. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t cry. So many things ran through my mind. So many things still run through my mind. 

I should’ve screamed how much I loved you every single day. I didn’t know I wouldn’t get to say it for such a long time. I didn’t think about it. I didn’t imagine it, not with you. You were supposed to always be there. I’m sorry. I should’ve told you everyday. 

It’s my dad’s birthday today, and I miss him. I miss his voice, his smile, his jokes, his frown, the worry in his voice when I finally pick up the phone, the anger in his voice when I do something wrong. I miss it all. Birthdays don’t matter now. But for us here, it’s one of the ways we choose to preserve your memory; Memory, I can’t believe that’s the only way I get to reach you now.

Pain, such an awkwardly beautiful thing. I could choose to block out the pain of you leaving earth. I could choose to only focus on the fact that you accepted Jesus before you died, and be hopeful I will see you again on resurrection day. I could choose to see only the bright side; that’s what everyone tells me to do. But I won’t. I won’t do that, because every tear I have shed mourning your loss reminds me of how much I love you. Every ache I feel when I think about you reminds me that you are not just a memory. Every time I have to push through the day reminds me that your love is worth carrying this burden, this pain for. And every time I close my eyes and think about you, the hurt reminds me of how special you are. 

So on your birthday, I wish you an earthly happy birthday daddy, rejoicing that you are at peace, you are happy and also saying that it will never stop hurting, but I will gladly carry this pain till the day I die, if it is the only way I get to feel your presence.
Happy birthday daddy



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