How are YOU doing today? Okay, let me holla at you real quick.
Earlier this week, I was in front of a mirror and I glanced at the biggest physical scar I have. I got it from a hot water accident about 10 years ago. I remember, in the midst of all the emotions I was feeling from my then fresh wound, I was a little traumatized that the portion of my skin, that used to be flawless, now had this big, ugly, hurting wound. I was thinking about how my life would look like with that wound and all the things I wouldn’t be able to wear anymore because of my newly acquired scar.
If you knew me then, you’d know that I was overreacting ( I still do, quite truthfully 😌). Yes, I had a third-degree burn on my tummy, but it was small compared to some other people’s more horrific experiences. Now I could tell you today about what I should have focused on rather than my wound at that time, but today I want to focus on my wound and use it as a metaphor. When I had that wound, I had no idea that I was going to suffer an even bigger, deeper, uglier, more hurting wound than I had at the time.
Fast-forward to 2015, I went through a loss that changed my life as I knew it. Up until that time, I was very empathic to loss, dreaded the idea of it, but for some reason, just never thought I would actually go through it. Truth is, I thought “God knows this is something I most definitely cannot live through so He wouldn’t let it happen to me”. I was wrong. That loss left a wound in my heart that’s rooted deeper than I am even willing to admit. That wound messed with me on a level that I didn’t even realize was possible.
Its 2018, I have a scar from that wound. Every once in a while, I feel like my newly formed scabs were jabbed at so hard that the wound re-opens and the pain overwhelms me all over again. Its been an interesting three years “post-injury”. Just like my 14 year old self when I had that hot water accident, I wonder how I will make it through living with this very evident scar.
I began this post by telling you I was looking at my scar right? Let me tell you what happened when I was looking at this scar. I liked it. Weird huh? I liked that little dent on my once perfect skin. I liked its crooked edges, weird spots and unevenly coloured outline. It had become a part of me and I had finally accepted it. I was even beginning to think it looked beautiful. It healed so well, the scabs were all gone, and I could finally look at it without the vividness of the pain haunting me. I smiled at my pretty scar that I proudly embrace, my imperfect body, loved just so by me, and I thought about my current wound.
The metaphor: I wish I could totally believe that my pain would heal the way my burn did. I’m not quite there yet. This is me vulnerably telling you that I too, struggle to believe God in some areas of my life. I too, sometimes get angry at God for allowing me to be hurt in the ways that I have been hurt. I too, sometimes have a hard time trusting God with my wounds, believing that one day, they will become scars that I can totally embrace. I’m right there with you. I want you to know that you are not alone and despite our doubts, God’s love is consistent; and when we think of all the times we saw clearly, the glimpses of His love unleashed, our faith is fuelled and we KNOW that we can carry on with the assurance of His loving presence.
So hurt! cry! be angry if you will! But don’t give up on God, and don’t let your wound define the rest of your life. YOU WILL HEAL! The scabs will slowly form, and with enough time, the scar will become something of beauty. We will see it, and while we are waiting, we will stay trusting Jesus. Be encouraged and I love you so much!