You remember the church series I have been writing about for the past 3 weeks? Its so good and convicting! I want to get just a little vulnerable and tell you about some things I have realized I have been struggling with. Some of these realizations have come about from this series and gems I got from The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. I tell you it is such a good book. It takes quite an effort and dedication to read it with understanding though. Ultimately, I believe the Holy Spirit gives the utmost understanding. I digress, I apologize.
As I was saying (or typing), I have noticed some things about me that need work. First I noticed that I was becoming a victim to false humility. This one hurt because up until now I have always liked to see myself as a humble person and I have purposefully strived to keep it that way, or at least I thought I did. I noticed that in the process of trying to be humble, I have fallen prey to either undermining myself to make someone else feel better or thinking about myself too much, under the pretext of trying to fix me. I have slowly taken my eyes of Jesus and put the focus on the girl in the mirror. I feel like if I hadn’t been reading that book, I wouldn’t have realized what I was doing. I thank God for bringing to my attention that it is not all about me.
Since that has been established, notice how many “I”s I have utilized in just two paragraphs. Hopeless? I think not.
Let me get to the point. I titled this post Between my feelings and God’s because when the pastor mentioned it today, though in a different context (which I will write about another time because it is just too good not to share), I thought of the simplicity of the hardest thing of all. Its such a simple instruction: “Seek ye first His kingdom”, yet I find that it is one of the most difficult, if not the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to commit to. Dare I even say it is impossible, and I speak for myself on this. Maybe other people find it easy, I don’t know.
You see, to seek God’s kingdom first requires me to place myself secondary to God. It demands my total surrender to God my creator as my utmost priority. That sounds pretty straightforward doesn’t it? But oh no, I slip into the “me” tirade every now and then. Seeking God first requires me to die to myself, to sacrifice some legitimate desires I have in order to please God. Man its hard.
I don’t know if I am writing this to encourage you or myself. But I guess I know that we both need to see and understand this truth: that God desires for us to find our true identity and the only way we can do that is to look on Him. We come from Him. He is our source and our life giver. When we look upon Him enough, we will see who we are. There are so many broken people in this world, some more broken than others. But, the people who are at peace and are grounded and established tend to be those who know who they are.
To summarize this post, which has been an attempt to organize some of my most complex thoughts and articulate them in words, I want to admit to everyone who reads this the desperate need I have to align my feelings with God’s feelings. The only way I can do that is through the help of God. It’s not much more than that I guess. I want to have a great life here on earth and I know it requires me to do a lot of things that don’t make logical sense, like not worry for example. I know there is so much I am yet to learn, but I truly hope and pray for the strength to do right by God and I want to understand why I am doing that, so I can do it with the utmost dedication and satisfaction in the choices I am making.
I hope that in some part of this chaotic attempt at voicing out my thoughts, you find inspiration.