I do love life. I don’t want to die. I want to savour every moment without the burden of the possibility of it being my last. I want to live life to the fullest and enjoy the moments as they pass. I don’t think I’m afraid of eternity. Nothing puny will matter anymore, there won’t be pain or suffering and the mere thought evokes tactile bliss. But life, with its ups and downs is so dynamically beautiful and worth living. I want to experience all the beauties of life. Achievements, milestones, love, children, travel, even the pain. This is what being alive means.
I don’t understand how it can all go so suddenly without warning. It scares me to think that it could all be over any second, more because I want to have lived before I leave. I don’t want life suddenly taken away from me. I don’t know, I think death is the worst thing because you don’t have another chance to do anything differently. It just means that life is over. A lot of people live long lives, but a lot of people also die suddenly: from accidents, murder, wickedness and some slowly through sickness. I wonder sometimes if its random, or why the people who are alive are alive, and dead dead. I don’t want my life or death to be contingent on chance! I want an assurance for my life. Is that asking too much? I don’t know. I don’t understand. I have a desire to live, but is that enough reason not to die? I want to be alive, but does that guarantee that I get to live?
I ask, to the One who knows all and sees all, understanding that by virtue of who He is He owes me no explanation, but deep down hoping he makes me understand. I don’t even know if I realize what I’m asking for….if understanding requires me dying, and if I’m ready for that possibility. Maybe some things are better left unknown; or are they? I don’t know. All I know is, I want to live before I die.