I haven’t written in a while. I have no excuse, and honestly I’m tired of making it a habit of promising to be consistent, trying to honour my promise and then failing. So here’s what I’ll do: I’ll keep trying, because I don’t see another way. Hopefully someday I get it right, whatever that means.
I’m going to go straight to the point here. I just felt really strongly to put out an excerpt from my journal. I hope it helps and blesses someone. Its going to be an unedited version for the most part, so it might sound poorly written, but I hope the message gets passed across.
I’ve been asking God for money… because I’m BROKE. I haven’t seen money or provision to pay the huge debt I owe. I was reading (my) devotional this morning and it dawned on me… When I used to say, “if God tells me to walk on water, I will, because I trust Him”, some part of me was thinking (that) He would literally ask me to do something grand and senseless, and then make it look super cool. But… no. Instead, I think what He’s requiring of me is trust, that even in the midst of great debt, I’m where He wants me to be. These are my waters and maybe I’m walking on them? Maybe the steps are eating meals when I don’t know how that bill will be paid. Maybe its (keeping) the dream alive that one day I just might own my own properties…house, car… the likes. Maybe its looking forward to the day when that credit card statement reads Zero… $0. Maybe its hope… in the midst of the beatdown despair constantly gives me. Maybe its in my falling seven times and getting up for the eighth . Maybe this tumultuous process is the water I walk on: Because, yes, when there is life there is hope. But life has dealt me some hard blows, knocked hope out of my mouth several times: Yet, here I am… falling… standing… falling… standing again…
I’m not sure when this painful roller coaster will end and I can finally say I made it through. But I, in this waking moment of mine, as I lift my head one more time in a desperate attempt to get back up again, will trust that God is with me now and waiting on the other side of my pain.